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Story Time: Live Blogging Chuck Tingle’s Domald Tromp Masterpiece

  Bitter Staff /   March 7, 2017 /   Endings, Featured /   Leave a Comment

Join us at 9 am for some erotica live blogging. Which is probably not all that erotic.

Lyda Morehouse March 7, 20178:59 am

To start with I think we need to take a moment to truly appreciate this the full title of the latest Tingle masterpiece: Domald Tromp Pounded in the Butt by His Fabricated Wiretapping Scandal Made Up to Redirect Focus Away from His Seemingly Endless Unethical Connections to Russia.

tinlizzy March 7, 20179:00 am

For reals – I couldn’t even fit the whole title into a tweet

Lyda Morehouse March 7, 20179:00 am

Okay… here goes nothing. Oh god, we seem to *be* Domald in this! It starts with the voice of a “staffer” calling for “my” attention.

tinlizzy March 7, 20179:00 am

which seems entirely appropriate in a “can’t possibly fit that in there li’l lady!” sort of way

Lyda Morehouse March 7, 20179:01 am

I don’t know if I can continue. I will have to imagine myself as Alec Baldwin’s version of Trump….

tinlizzy March 7, 20179:01 am

Let it also be said that for many of us – it’s taken 5 months to be able to even grieve/face this Brave New Apocalypse enough to be able to live blog this with good humor.

tinlizzy March 7, 20179:01 am

I think going with Alec Bladwin nee Trump, er Tromp is a reasonable coping mech here

Lyda Morehouse March 7, 20179:01 am

NO KIDDING. Okay, so the staffer gets Domald’s attention admonishing him: “Mr. Bammon says that after you eat all your dinner, you need to listen to these briefings. He’s the one in charge here, remember.”

tinlizzy March 7, 20179:02 am

oh staffer – look out, bad things are in store for you!

Lyda Morehouse March 7, 20179:02 am

Okay, okay, I officially love Tingle. On page two, after Domald’s staffer starts the briefings over we get this: “we’ve been keeping a close eye on the timeline where you’re the Loch Ness monster….” EVEN CHUCK TINGLE BELIEVES WE MUST BE LIVING IN THE EVIL TIMELINE….!!

tinlizzy March 7, 20179:03 am

srsly – bless Chuck’s little heart

Lyda Morehouse March 7, 20179:03 am

The staffer goes through more ridiculous timelines, including one where Domald is a vegetable (an orange carrot). Domald’s response: “Am I at least big? Imposing?”

Lyda Morehouse March 7, 20179:04 am

Continuing with the timeline bit, the staffer says that they are a little worried about the timeline in which Domald gets “peed on by a Russian T-Rex.”

Lyda Morehouse March 7, 20179:04 am

Domald says: “Yeah… the OTHER timeline where that happened.”

tinlizzy March 7, 20179:04 am

(again – envisioning this is all starring Alec B.)

Lyda Morehouse March 7, 20179:05 am

I think you have to.

Lyda Morehouse March 7, 20179:05 am

Apparently, this Russian T-Rex from the alternate timeline is worrisome because it seems to be “moving towards us” in an attempt to jump timestreams.

Lyda Morehouse March 7, 20179:05 am

Domald can’t figure out why that’d be bad. The staffer is like, do you listen to anything I say? Domald is all, “I’m aware of everything… I’ve got the best people. The best listeners.”

tinlizzy March 7, 20179:05 am

wow – all these alt-timelines, I really like how Tingle is exploring the space here

Lyda Morehouse March 7, 20179:06 am

He really does! Okay, now…the staffer is unconvinced and asks Domald if he knows about the Russian interference in the election. Domald is like, “On another timeline?” Staffer is all, “No, this one.”

Lyda Morehouse March 7, 20179:06 am

When the staffer tries to tell him that’s unethical Domald just keeps repeating “Fake news” until the staffer says, “If we don’t do something about this Mr. Bammon is going to put you in a timeout. Maybe for a whole hour.”

Lyda Morehouse March 7, 20179:07 am

Domald still can’t figure out what the big deal is, he figures no one cares and so he’s going to go play golf, instead, with Smirnov and Ivanov, “those guys who are paying me to change those trade deals with Russian.”

tinlizzy March 7, 20179:07 am

I want to laugh, and then I want to cry because this is just too close to reality

tinlizzy March 7, 20179:08 am

nice!

Lyda Morehouse March 7, 20179:08 am

Domald tells his staffer not to worry he has a plan to distract everyone. He’s going to post to Twitter!

tinlizzy March 7, 20179:08 am

again – no fictional stretch there!

Lyda Morehouse March 7, 20179:09 am

Then we cut to the golf course with Smirnov and Ivanov, who are described as…. wait for it….. “…two devastatingly handsome T-Rexs.” !!

tinlizzy March 7, 20179:09 am

YES! I am here for recurring T-Rexes in the Tingle-verse!

Lyda Morehouse March 7, 20179:10 am

SAME! Domald then casually asks the T-Rexes for more money, which they shove into his pockets, and he says, “I like money.” The T-Rexs say “And we like lifted sanctions.”

tinlizzy March 7, 20179:11 am

And now I’m having ideas of a Prezi that capture all of the Tingle-verse chars and settings…

Lyda Morehouse March 7, 20179:11 am

The T-Rexes ask Domald how he likes being president so far, Domald says, “I don’t know… Kind of boring so far. Everyone seems to love me though.” The dinosaurs exchange glances like even they don’t believe that.

Lyda Morehouse March 7, 20179:12 am

So they start to go back to golfing but suddenly The Domald sees something in the distance on the green. “I quickly recognize him as the physical manifestation of my own online post aimed at redirecting focus from my seemingly endless unethical connections to Russia.”

tinlizzy March 7, 20179:12 am

T-Rexes may be lizard-brains, but they’re not complete idiots.

Lyda Morehouse March 7, 20179:13 am

Even something with the brain the size of a walnut knows The Domald is unpopular.

Lyda Morehouse March 7, 20179:13 am

Domald decides to walk down the hill to “meet this sentient creation of falsehood.”

Lyda Morehouse March 7, 20179:13 am

Described as a “…floating mass, a swirling collection of phones and phone lines that twist and tumble together in the air.”

Lyda Morehouse March 7, 20179:14 am

Said sentient falsehood says, “Hey there.” YOU CAN NOT REPLICATE THE GEINUS THAT IS CHUCK TINGLE, I TELL YOU!!

tinlizzy March 7, 20179:15 am

“‘Sup.” I really appreciate the man-of-the-people that Tingle’s characters are at root.

Lyda Morehouse March 7, 20179:15 am

Sentient Falsehood basically says that they need to talk. Domald would much rather go back to his golf game, and so SF (Sentient Falsehood) is like, no, you made me up, you need to take responsibility for me.

Lyda Morehouse March 7, 20179:15 am

To which Domald laughs.

Lyda Morehouse March 7, 20179:16 am

SF does something weird–flings out a “tangle of phone lines”?–that makes a kind of web Domald can’t ignore. Domald tells his T-Rex golfing buddies that he has to take care of this one. Now SF says his name is “Gerbor.”

tinlizzy March 7, 20179:16 am

I do feel tho that Tingle gave too much credit to Domald being able to recognize the sentience for what it really was – that’s kind of a bridge too far in terms cognitive honesty/intelligence. But we do have to keep the plot moving somehow, so.

tinlizzy March 7, 20179:17 am

Gerbor…..

Lyda Morehouse March 7, 20179:17 am

Yeah… does that mean something??

tinlizzy March 7, 20179:18 am

I got nothing. *goes to the google*

tinlizzy March 7, 20179:18 am

Well…first websites that come up in a search are – wait for it…..RUSSIAN.

Lyda Morehouse March 7, 20179:20 am

Shocker! Well, if you find something let us know. K. When Domald basically blows off Gerbor’s desire for responsibility again by saying “I have people for that,” Gerbor tries to lay some hard truth on The Domald. “… everyone hates you. Even a bunch of the people who voted for you regret it now.”

tinlizzy March 7, 20179:20 am

A Ukranian furniture company? Now I feel like Tingle must have some line on some serious inside info and I fear for his safety.

Lyda Morehouse March 7, 20179:20 am

Domald is all, Ha. Ha. “That’s a good one.”

Lyda Morehouse March 7, 20179:20 am

!!

Lyda Morehouse March 7, 20179:21 am

Then we get this amazing bit from Gerbor, “Here’s the thing… I’m not going to let you just create me and throw me to the wolves. You lie all the time, and you post whatever crazy bullshit comes into your head, but it’s only a matter of time before you have to answer to something that you’ve made up. That time is now.”

Lyda Morehouse March 7, 20179:21 am

Domald sighs. He really wants to get back to golfing so he asks Gerbor what he wants. He wants to be “satisfied by the man that created him.” When, Domald is like, seriously? That? Gerbor says, “Hey, you created me…. My narcissism comes from you.”

Lyda Morehouse March 7, 20179:22 am

Domald isn’t sure about his, because “I’ve never been with a sentient manifestation of my own made up wiretapping tweet before.”

tinlizzy March 7, 20179:22 am

Way to take the bull by the horns, Gerbor.

Lyda Morehouse March 7, 20179:23 am

But, he gazes on Gerbor’s incredible toned body and “chiseled tangle of floating phone lines…” and is _intrigued_.

tinlizzy March 7, 20179:23 am

It’s ok Domald, it’s not all that different from making love to your own ego like you undoubtedly do.

tinlizzy March 7, 20179:23 am

“chiseled tangle of floating phone lines…” – srsly this is the literary gold I’ve come to expect from Tingle.

Lyda Morehouse March 7, 20179:23 am

Suddenly, they’re kissing, their bodies connecting in a moment “of unfiltered passion between an incompetent president and his sentient delusional wiretapping tweet.”

Lyda Morehouse March 7, 20179:24 am

Predictably (at last predictable in a Tingle story) Domald is overwhelmed by arousal and starts going down on Gerbor “removing the floating phone tangle’s massive rod from his mass of wires.”

Lyda Morehouse March 7, 20179:27 am

Domald manages to relax his gag reflex until his face is pressed tightly against Gerbor’s abs, “and I gaze up at him playfully, offering a sly presidential wink.”

tinlizzy March 7, 20179:27 am

I BET that mass of tangled of wires is able to cover a massive rod – directly proportional to the enormity of Tromp’s narcissism and lies. Impressive!

tinlizzy March 7, 20179:28 am

I’m going to think it’s probably more of a squint.

Lyda Morehouse March 7, 20179:28 am

Hahahahahahaha. This is where imagining Alec Baldwin is really helping me.

Lyda Morehouse March 7, 20179:28 am

There is a “I need you inside me” from Gerbor. And.. then there is description that I can’t unsee involving Domald slapping his own butt and Gerbor being “completely awestruck by my presidential butthole.”

tinlizzy March 7, 20179:29 am

right – Alec Baldwin really covers a multitude of horrors and potential trauma

Lyda Morehouse March 7, 20179:31 am

Okay the rest is… classic Tingle. I do not think my brain can bear repeating it… just imagine a lot of the thrusting only with The Domald…. OW MY EYES. Especially since there’s obviously an alternative fact where The Domald describes “my ripped abs.”

tinlizzy March 7, 20179:32 am

I give Tingle due credit for inclusion of this alt fact, even if it’s to our own trauma/detriment.

Lyda Morehouse March 7, 20179:33 am

After the sex we get an odd little moment in which The Domald is very much, “You know, I was thinking… I wouldn’t mind doing this again sometime.” And Gerbor LITERALLY disappears.

Lyda Morehouse March 7, 20179:33 am

Very: NOPE.

tinlizzy March 7, 20179:33 am

ahahahahahaha

Lyda Morehouse March 7, 20179:34 am

Then, we flash back to the Oval office with the exasperated staffer who is like WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?

tinlizzy March 7, 20179:35 am

I worry for SF tho, as Domald obvs isn’t going to quit lying, tweeting OR trying to cover up his crimin’ – SF may end up being an unwilling genie type of entity summoned regularly and unable to escape his chains.

Lyda Morehouse March 7, 20179:35 am

You are on to it! Because the staffer is freaked out and ties everything back to the alternate timelines from before saying basically–you have no idea what you’ve unleashed throughout the ages (and universe.)

tinlizzy March 7, 20179:36 am

!!!!!

Lyda Morehouse March 7, 20179:36 am

In typical fashion, The Domald could care less and basically just shouts: Fake News! Alternative Facts! Her Emails! (Literally Tingle put in “Her Emails.”)

tinlizzy March 7, 20179:37 am

Natch.

Lyda Morehouse March 7, 20179:37 am

Suddenly, “the door to the Oval Office bursts open, a whole slew of hunky living manifestations of my wiretap story” float in.

Lyda Morehouse March 7, 20179:37 am

“Each one is a different version of reality….”

tinlizzy March 7, 20179:38 am

FINISH HIM, HUNKY LIVING MANIFESTATIONS OF DOMALD’S WIRETAP LIES!

Lyda Morehouse March 7, 20179:39 am

I think that’s the implication, honestly. But first… we’re treated to the moral of the story!

Lyda Morehouse March 7, 20179:39 am

Which is: “I guess that’s the problem. When you make enough things up, it’s hard to keep your story straight… “ (a queer pun??)

tinlizzy March 7, 20179:39 am

lol

Lyda Morehouse March 7, 20179:40 am

The actual last line is to the effect of now The Domald has all these versions of his lies to “contend” with and shall be very pounded indeed.

tinlizzy March 7, 20179:41 am

I feel like there’s far too much enjoyment/reward Domald is getting in all this.

Lyda Morehouse March 7, 20179:42 am

Agreed. Honestly, part of why I skipped it. I was kind of mad that he was actually having fun with this handsome sentient fabrication.

tinlizzy March 7, 20179:42 am

I mean – I’m not saying I want Tingle to start going the way of the Lesbian Werewolf carnage….but in this case I might make an exception. And minus the sexy but more of the carnage.

Lyda Morehouse March 7, 20179:42 am

I wouldn’t mind that, honestly. More fun for ME, at any rate. 😉

Lyda Morehouse March 7, 20179:43 am

OH! And we probably don’t have time to go into this whole thing but there’s a bonus story! “Slammed in the Butt by Domald Tromp’s Attempt to Avoid Accusations of Plagiarism by Removing All Facts or Concrete Plans from His Republican National Convention Speech.”

tinlizzy March 7, 20179:43 am

So I’ll give this Tingle one butt-pound up for ridicule and alt-facts, but one butt-pound down for not enough consequences of carnage.

Lyda Morehouse March 7, 20179:44 am

The ridicule almost makes up for the sexy-times, but not quite.

tinlizzy March 7, 20179:44 am

and E for effort on the bonus story, Tingle!

Lyda Morehouse March 7, 20179:44 am

I swear the titles alone are worth the 2.99 or whatever I paid for this thing.

tinlizzy March 7, 20179:45 am

Concur – the very existence of the titles in our space/time is culturally critical.

Lyda Morehouse March 7, 20179:46 am

My son this morning asked, “What are future historians going to make of Chuck Tingle?” And I said, “That he was a National Treasure, son.”

tinlizzy March 7, 20179:46 am

Couldn’t have said it better myself!

tinlizzy March 7, 20179:47 am

Also – “hey kid – don’t worry there will be neither a future NOR historians, so.”

Lyda Morehouse March 7, 20179:47 am

Oh, ouch. But accurate…. maybe he meant, “What will the aliens make of it all when they find what remains of us in the smoldering ruins….?”

tinlizzy March 7, 20179:48 am

Ah – yes, also applicable/relevant.

Lyda Morehouse March 7, 20179:49 am

Thing is, you really could track the popular trends/major events by Tingle titles. And, the shift of our national consciousness: from the color changing dress to this skewering of our unprecedented president.

Lyda Morehouse March 7, 20179:50 am

I don’t think Tingle has written anything “frivolous” (as in non-political) since the election, has he?

tinlizzy March 7, 20179:50 am

Excellent point – I see a thesis in there somewhere for some future burgeoning historians. Or aliens.

tinlizzy March 7, 20179:51 am

I don’t THINK so

Lyda Morehouse March 7, 20179:51 am

Aliens. Definitely aliens. Hopefully, T-Rex aliens.

tinlizzy March 7, 20179:52 am

And on that note – I think that’s a wrap for our liveblogging for today! Lyda you continue to do the lord’s work leading us through these critical literary endeavors.

tinlizzy March 7, 20179:52 am

And Mr. Tingle – tip o’ the hat to you, sir.

Lyda Morehouse March 7, 20179:53 am

NATIONAL. TREASURE.

Filed Under: Endings, Featured Tagged With: Chuck Tingle, erotica, erotica live blog, live-blogging

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