Join us at 9 am for some erotica live blogging. Which is probably not all that erotic.
To start with I think we need to take a moment to truly appreciate this the full title of the latest Tingle masterpiece: Domald Tromp Pounded in the Butt by His Fabricated Wiretapping Scandal Made Up to Redirect Focus Away from His Seemingly Endless Unethical Connections to Russia.
For reals – I couldn’t even fit the whole title into a tweet
Okay… here goes nothing. Oh god, we seem to *be* Domald in this! It starts with the voice of a “staffer” calling for “my” attention.
which seems entirely appropriate in a “can’t possibly fit that in there li’l lady!” sort of way
I don’t know if I can continue. I will have to imagine myself as Alec Baldwin’s version of Trump….
Let it also be said that for many of us – it’s taken 5 months to be able to even grieve/face this Brave New Apocalypse enough to be able to live blog this with good humor.
I think going with Alec Bladwin nee Trump, er Tromp is a reasonable coping mech here
NO KIDDING. Okay, so the staffer gets Domald’s attention admonishing him: “Mr. Bammon says that after you eat all your dinner, you need to listen to these briefings. He’s the one in charge here, remember.”
oh staffer – look out, bad things are in store for you!
Okay, okay, I officially love Tingle. On page two, after Domald’s staffer starts the briefings over we get this: “we’ve been keeping a close eye on the timeline where you’re the Loch Ness monster….” EVEN CHUCK TINGLE BELIEVES WE MUST BE LIVING IN THE EVIL TIMELINE….!!
srsly – bless Chuck’s little heart
The staffer goes through more ridiculous timelines, including one where Domald is a vegetable (an orange carrot). Domald’s response: “Am I at least big? Imposing?”
Continuing with the timeline bit, the staffer says that they are a little worried about the timeline in which Domald gets “peed on by a Russian T-Rex.”
Domald says: “Yeah… the OTHER timeline where that happened.”
(again – envisioning this is all starring Alec B.)
I think you have to.
Apparently, this Russian T-Rex from the alternate timeline is worrisome because it seems to be “moving towards us” in an attempt to jump timestreams.
Domald can’t figure out why that’d be bad. The staffer is like, do you listen to anything I say? Domald is all, “I’m aware of everything… I’ve got the best people. The best listeners.”
wow – all these alt-timelines, I really like how Tingle is exploring the space here
He really does! Okay, now…the staffer is unconvinced and asks Domald if he knows about the Russian interference in the election. Domald is like, “On another timeline?” Staffer is all, “No, this one.”
When the staffer tries to tell him that’s unethical Domald just keeps repeating “Fake news” until the staffer says, “If we don’t do something about this Mr. Bammon is going to put you in a timeout. Maybe for a whole hour.”
Domald still can’t figure out what the big deal is, he figures no one cares and so he’s going to go play golf, instead, with Smirnov and Ivanov, “those guys who are paying me to change those trade deals with Russian.”
I want to laugh, and then I want to cry because this is just too close to reality
Domald tells his staffer not to worry he has a plan to distract everyone. He’s going to post to Twitter!
again – no fictional stretch there!
Then we cut to the golf course with Smirnov and Ivanov, who are described as…. wait for it….. “…two devastatingly handsome T-Rexs.” !!
YES! I am here for recurring T-Rexes in the Tingle-verse!
SAME! Domald then casually asks the T-Rexes for more money, which they shove into his pockets, and he says, “I like money.” The T-Rexs say “And we like lifted sanctions.”
And now I’m having ideas of a Prezi that capture all of the Tingle-verse chars and settings…
The T-Rexes ask Domald how he likes being president so far, Domald says, “I don’t know… Kind of boring so far. Everyone seems to love me though.” The dinosaurs exchange glances like even they don’t believe that.
So they start to go back to golfing but suddenly The Domald sees something in the distance on the green. “I quickly recognize him as the physical manifestation of my own online post aimed at redirecting focus from my seemingly endless unethical connections to Russia.”
T-Rexes may be lizard-brains, but they’re not complete idiots.
Even something with the brain the size of a walnut knows The Domald is unpopular.
Domald decides to walk down the hill to “meet this sentient creation of falsehood.”
Described as a “…floating mass, a swirling collection of phones and phone lines that twist and tumble together in the air.”
Said sentient falsehood says, “Hey there.” YOU CAN NOT REPLICATE THE GEINUS THAT IS CHUCK TINGLE, I TELL YOU!!
“‘Sup.” I really appreciate the man-of-the-people that Tingle’s characters are at root.
Sentient Falsehood basically says that they need to talk. Domald would much rather go back to his golf game, and so SF (Sentient Falsehood) is like, no, you made me up, you need to take responsibility for me.
To which Domald laughs.
SF does something weird–flings out a “tangle of phone lines”?–that makes a kind of web Domald can’t ignore. Domald tells his T-Rex golfing buddies that he has to take care of this one. Now SF says his name is “Gerbor.”
I do feel tho that Tingle gave too much credit to Domald being able to recognize the sentience for what it really was – that’s kind of a bridge too far in terms cognitive honesty/intelligence. But we do have to keep the plot moving somehow, so.
Yeah… does that mean something??
I got nothing. *goes to the google*
Well…first websites that come up in a search are – wait for it…..RUSSIAN.
Shocker! Well, if you find something let us know. K. When Domald basically blows off Gerbor’s desire for responsibility again by saying “I have people for that,” Gerbor tries to lay some hard truth on The Domald. “… everyone hates you. Even a bunch of the people who voted for you regret it now.”
A Ukranian furniture company? Now I feel like Tingle must have some line on some serious inside info and I fear for his safety.
Domald is all, Ha. Ha. “That’s a good one.”
Then we get this amazing bit from Gerbor, “Here’s the thing… I’m not going to let you just create me and throw me to the wolves. You lie all the time, and you post whatever crazy bullshit comes into your head, but it’s only a matter of time before you have to answer to something that you’ve made up. That time is now.”
Domald sighs. He really wants to get back to golfing so he asks Gerbor what he wants. He wants to be “satisfied by the man that created him.” When, Domald is like, seriously? That? Gerbor says, “Hey, you created me…. My narcissism comes from you.”
Domald isn’t sure about his, because “I’ve never been with a sentient manifestation of my own made up wiretapping tweet before.”
Way to take the bull by the horns, Gerbor.
But, he gazes on Gerbor’s incredible toned body and “chiseled tangle of floating phone lines…” and is _intrigued_.
It’s ok Domald, it’s not all that different from making love to your own ego like you undoubtedly do.
“chiseled tangle of floating phone lines…” – srsly this is the literary gold I’ve come to expect from Tingle.
Suddenly, they’re kissing, their bodies connecting in a moment “of unfiltered passion between an incompetent president and his sentient delusional wiretapping tweet.”
Predictably (at last predictable in a Tingle story) Domald is overwhelmed by arousal and starts going down on Gerbor “removing the floating phone tangle’s massive rod from his mass of wires.”
Domald manages to relax his gag reflex until his face is pressed tightly against Gerbor’s abs, “and I gaze up at him playfully, offering a sly presidential wink.”
I BET that mass of tangled of wires is able to cover a massive rod – directly proportional to the enormity of Tromp’s narcissism and lies. Impressive!
I’m going to think it’s probably more of a squint.
Hahahahahahaha. This is where imagining Alec Baldwin is really helping me.
There is a “I need you inside me” from Gerbor. And.. then there is description that I can’t unsee involving Domald slapping his own butt and Gerbor being “completely awestruck by my presidential butthole.”
right – Alec Baldwin really covers a multitude of horrors and potential trauma
Okay the rest is… classic Tingle. I do not think my brain can bear repeating it… just imagine a lot of the thrusting only with The Domald…. OW MY EYES. Especially since there’s obviously an alternative fact where The Domald describes “my ripped abs.”
I give Tingle due credit for inclusion of this alt fact, even if it’s to our own trauma/detriment.
After the sex we get an odd little moment in which The Domald is very much, “You know, I was thinking… I wouldn’t mind doing this again sometime.” And Gerbor LITERALLY disappears.
Then, we flash back to the Oval office with the exasperated staffer who is like WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?
I worry for SF tho, as Domald obvs isn’t going to quit lying, tweeting OR trying to cover up his crimin’ – SF may end up being an unwilling genie type of entity summoned regularly and unable to escape his chains.
You are on to it! Because the staffer is freaked out and ties everything back to the alternate timelines from before saying basically–you have no idea what you’ve unleashed throughout the ages (and universe.)
In typical fashion, The Domald could care less and basically just shouts: Fake News! Alternative Facts! Her Emails! (Literally Tingle put in “Her Emails.”)
Suddenly, “the door to the Oval Office bursts open, a whole slew of hunky living manifestations of my wiretap story” float in.
“Each one is a different version of reality….”
FINISH HIM, HUNKY LIVING MANIFESTATIONS OF DOMALD’S WIRETAP LIES!
I think that’s the implication, honestly. But first… we’re treated to the moral of the story!
Which is: “I guess that’s the problem. When you make enough things up, it’s hard to keep your story straight… “ (a queer pun??)
The actual last line is to the effect of now The Domald has all these versions of his lies to “contend” with and shall be very pounded indeed.
I feel like there’s far too much enjoyment/reward Domald is getting in all this.
Agreed. Honestly, part of why I skipped it. I was kind of mad that he was actually having fun with this handsome sentient fabrication.
I mean – I’m not saying I want Tingle to start going the way of the Lesbian Werewolf carnage….but in this case I might make an exception. And minus the sexy but more of the carnage.
I wouldn’t mind that, honestly. More fun for ME, at any rate. 😉
OH! And we probably don’t have time to go into this whole thing but there’s a bonus story! “Slammed in the Butt by Domald Tromp’s Attempt to Avoid Accusations of Plagiarism by Removing All Facts or Concrete Plans from His Republican National Convention Speech.”
So I’ll give this Tingle one butt-pound up for ridicule and alt-facts, but one butt-pound down for not enough consequences of carnage.
The ridicule almost makes up for the sexy-times, but not quite.
and E for effort on the bonus story, Tingle!
I swear the titles alone are worth the 2.99 or whatever I paid for this thing.
Concur – the very existence of the titles in our space/time is culturally critical.
My son this morning asked, “What are future historians going to make of Chuck Tingle?” And I said, “That he was a National Treasure, son.”
Couldn’t have said it better myself!
Also – “hey kid – don’t worry there will be neither a future NOR historians, so.”
Oh, ouch. But accurate…. maybe he meant, “What will the aliens make of it all when they find what remains of us in the smoldering ruins….?”
Ah – yes, also applicable/relevant.
Thing is, you really could track the popular trends/major events by Tingle titles. And, the shift of our national consciousness: from the color changing dress to this skewering of our unprecedented president.
I don’t think Tingle has written anything “frivolous” (as in non-political) since the election, has he?
Excellent point – I see a thesis in there somewhere for some future burgeoning historians. Or aliens.
I don’t THINK so
Aliens. Definitely aliens. Hopefully, T-Rex aliens.
And on that note – I think that’s a wrap for our liveblogging for today! Lyda you continue to do the lord’s work leading us through these critical literary endeavors.
And Mr. Tingle – tip o’ the hat to you, sir.