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Story Time: Live Blogging “Feeling The Bern In My Butt” By Chuck Tingle

  Bitter Staff /   June 16, 2019 /   Critic /   Leave a Comment

We’re back to bring you MORE Chuck Tingle today, with a selection that we’re been utterly remiss for not having liveblogged for the masses sooner: “Feeling the Bern in My Butt” by Chuck Tingle. Yesterday we liveblogged Tingle’s Hugo-award nominated “Space Raptor Butt Invasion.” So without further ado, join us as we feel the Bern, Chuck Tingle style!

Lyda Morehouse May 6, 20169:59 am

Did you guys notice the little bird perched on the dude’s shoulder?

tinlizzy May 6, 201610:01 am

NO I DID NOT BECAUSE BESPECTACLED UNICORN

Lyda Morehouse May 6, 201610:02 am

As is typical with Tingle, we get a bit of set-up. This time the opener is, “Politics have always been something I avoided, mostly because every time I try to get involved I just end up getting too pissed off to continue.”

tinlizzy May 6, 201610:02 am

Very populist of him

Lyda Morehouse May 6, 201610:02 am

Turns out our hero gets not only angry with the opposition, but also with his own colleagues.

Lyda Morehouse May 6, 201610:03 am

Our hero figures this is a thing these days, this disenchantment and adds, “To be a front-runner in this race, the one thing you need to be is an outsider.” GETTING DEEP ALREADY.

tinlizzy May 6, 201610:04 am

wait – what does he do? What do his colleagues have do to with this??

Lyda Morehouse May 6, 201610:04 am

So, he’s watching TV in his small, two-bedroom apartment on a Saturday afternoon. He’s pooped out from being a hard-working American.

Lyda Morehouse May 6, 201610:04 am

I meant political colleagues.

Lyda Morehouse May 6, 201610:05 am

Our hero muses that “The minimum wage her is so low that even an office as nice as mine I can barely afford to keep a roof over my head.”

Lyda Morehouse May 6, 201610:05 am

He sees an ad for “Bernie Sambers.”

tinlizzy May 6, 201610:06 am

I see what he did there.

Kaili Joy Gray May 6, 201610:06 am

This is getting SO. HOT. already.

Lyda Morehouse May 6, 201610:06 am

Oh and our hero’s roommate is named “Bipper” who is not at all impressed with Mr. Sambers.

Lyda Morehouse May 6, 201610:07 am

And we find out our hero is named… “Lorp.” (Someone help me is this some inside joke?)

Lyda Morehouse May 6, 201610:07 am

At any rate, Bipper talks Lorp into going downtown to the Sambers rally.

tinlizzy May 6, 201610:08 am

Now see yesterday’s names – Lance and Pike were way more hot, not gonna lie

Kaili Joy Gray May 6, 201610:08 am

Lorp and Bipper: The Odd Couple?

Lyda Morehouse May 6, 201610:08 am

“The second that we enter the arena downtown I can tell that this isn’t your typical political gathering. Every sign that I see has a message that resonates deeply within me, deeper than any candidate has ever been able to reach.”

Lyda Morehouse May 6, 201610:09 am

HA! Okay, it gets so much better. “While most politicians craft messages that tug at my heartstrings, these seem to go even farther. He’s tugging at my butt.”

Lyda Morehouse May 6, 201610:09 am

I can not even make up stuff that golden, folks.

Lyda Morehouse May 6, 201610:10 am

The roommate is all, “Are you feeling the burn? Are you feeling the burn in your butthole?”

tinlizzy May 6, 201610:10 am

wow that was fast!

Lyda Morehouse May 6, 201610:10 am

“The message of progress and social reform is causing a pleasant tingle to slowly form around the rim of my anus.” I think Bernie should legit use this as a slogan!

Kaili Joy Gray May 6, 201610:11 am

Wait, is Chris Matthews telling this story?

Lyda Morehouse May 6, 201610:12 am

So now Sambers is coming to the stage… “he’s old and slightly hunched with a bald spot on the top of his head, yet there is something strange alluring about this man’s physical presence that I can’t quite put my fingers on.”

Lyda Morehouse May 6, 201610:12 am

And, this causes Larp to ask his friend Bipper if Bernie is human. (Okay, I would expect this if they were watching Cruz, but WTF.)

Lyda Morehouse May 6, 201610:13 am

But apparently Larp asks because “there’s something strange about him, something magical.” (So not the itchy human suit, I guess.)

Lyda Morehouse May 6, 201610:14 am

We get a bit of “he’s a hell of a speaker” so good that the animals start to gather. Not jut the bird, but “ever woodland creature imaginable.” Deer, rabbits, foxes… even a brown bear.

Kaili Joy Gray May 6, 201610:15 am

So this is turning into a Disney movie now.

tinlizzy May 6, 201610:16 am

wait for real – animals gathering like snow white??

Lyda Morehouse May 6, 201610:16 am

Bernie as Disney princess was all over Tumblr, so yes? Okay, so we find out that this rousing speech isn’t all there is to a Sambers rally, Bernie is “a man of the people” and he’s going to be handing out “fresh backed cookies” in the lobby. (I think “backed” is a typo, but one can’t be sure with Tingle.)

Lyda Morehouse May 6, 201610:17 am

Our hero goes up to Bernie to tell him how awesome he is and “Bernie cracks a playful diml as he locks eyes with me, and immediately I can sense a strong tingling in my butthole, a powerful sizzling sensation that courses through my loins like an electric current.”

Kaili Joy Gray May 6, 201610:17 am

A man of the people, but also the animals. Even bears.

Lyda Morehouse May 6, 201610:18 am

Oh! WHOA. When Larp takes Bernie’s hand he gets another shocker. He realizes what he’s “holding is actually a large hoof.”

tinlizzy May 6, 201610:19 am

YES UNICORN!!!

Lyda Morehouse May 6, 201610:19 am

Bernie decides our hero is useful to the cause and has invited him to “stick around after all this is finished.”

Lyda Morehouse May 6, 201610:20 am

So our hero waits in the arena, eats his chocolate chip cookie and relaxes, until he hears a voice telling him he’s “…exactly the kind of voter we’re looking for…”

tinlizzy May 6, 201610:21 am

erotica with fresh baked (backed!) choc chip cookies – I’m kind of digging it

Lyda Morehouse May 6, 201610:21 am

Bernie has now placed a hand on Lorp’s knee. “Strangely, I don’t have even the slightest desire to pull away.”

tinlizzy May 6, 201610:22 am

wait so Bernie has hands again?

Lyda Morehouse May 6, 201610:22 am

I guess? Also, apparently Bernie’s big come on is that he sees Lorp as a potential running mate.

tinlizzy May 6, 201610:23 am

so hot right now

Lyda Morehouse May 6, 201610:23 am

When our hero says he’s not qualified, Bernie says, “You’re more than qualified.. those eyes, that muscular chest…” Oh, but first he needs to “vet” him.

Kaili Joy Gray May 6, 201610:24 am

Vet. I see what he did there. I think.

tinlizzy May 6, 201610:24 am

natch.

Lyda Morehouse May 6, 201610:24 am

So… now we have Bernie’s hand in our hero’s crotch and he “immediately grips me with a firm handful of balls and shaft through the fabric.” And then we get this “sexy” line again, “Would you like me to vet you?”

Lyda Morehouse May 6, 201610:25 am

Oh yes moans our hero. But once again the hands aren’t exactly human… and he asks Bernie, “Is there something you’re hiding?”

tinlizzy May 6, 201610:25 am

Not gonna lie that hearing Bernie’s voice in my head for this dialogue is…troubling to my soul

Lyda Morehouse May 6, 201610:26 am

Our hero goes on to ask, “I mean you’re a perfect candidate, you never flip-flop, you never mess up, it’s like you’re made of magic.” To which Bernie replies, “I AM MADE OF MAGIC. I’M A UNICORN.” (all-caps mine.)

tinlizzy May 6, 201610:26 am

PONY Q. UNICORN!

Lyda Morehouse May 6, 201610:26 am

“Bernie is a unicorn; a glorious, muscular, white-haired unicorn and he’s sexy as fuck.”

Lyda Morehouse May 6, 201610:26 am

I want this on a bummer sticker. Stat.

Lyda Morehouse May 6, 201610:27 am

Our hero is aroused by Unicorn!Bernie and pulls him close for a deep kiss on the mouth.

Lyda Morehouse May 6, 201610:27 am

And of course starts drifting south ASAP.

Lyda Morehouse May 6, 201610:28 am

His hands “eventually grab ahold of Bernie’s rock hard unicorn cock.”

Lyda Morehouse May 6, 201610:29 am

Lorp drops to his knees and has “his massive political cock jutting out towards my face like a flagpole on the Fourth of July.”

Kaili Joy Gray May 6, 201610:30 am

So now it’s patriotic erotica too!

Lyda Morehouse May 6, 201610:30 am

Oh, and guess what? Bernie’s cock tastes great! “I’m greeted by a sensual explosion of taste that shifts between cotton candy, bubblegum, and cherry. This man can do no wrong.”

Lyda Morehouse May 6, 201610:31 am

And, as usual Tingle’s hero goes for the deep throating “until finally stopping when I reach the hilt. I find my face pushed up against Bernie’s magical, sparkling abs.”

Lyda Morehouse May 6, 201610:32 am

Oh, and we get a little dropped in note that Lorp is really pleased to be doing Bernie so good, “because this is the first gay experience of my life.”

tinlizzy May 6, 201610:33 am

Tingle really does the Lord’s work on turning no-homos to totally-homos

Kaili Joy Gray May 6, 201610:33 am

Go big gay unicorn or go home.

Lyda Morehouse May 6, 201610:33 am

He’s super excited “I suddenly realize that my butthole is tingling once more, not just the soft, sizzling surges, but a full-on rattle that courses though my body and causes me to tremble wildly.”

Lyda Morehouse May 6, 201610:34 am

Lorp say, “I feel the burn in my butthole.” And of course Bernie!Unicorn says “You ain’t felt nothing yet!”

tinlizzy May 6, 201610:34 am

There it is.

Lyda Morehouse May 6, 201610:35 am

They get into position and our hero gives Bernie a little butt wiggle and begs him to “ram me up the ass like the filthy little voter twink that I am.”

Lyda Morehouse May 6, 201610:35 am

(I’m totally a voter twink myself, just FYI).

Kaili Joy Gray May 6, 201610:35 am

So he’s getting schlonged by Bernie Unicorn?

tinlizzy May 6, 201610:35 am

But are you a FILTHY voter twink?

Lyda Morehouse May 6, 201610:36 am

OMG he’s going for it with the horn!

“he aligns the tip of his shimmering ivory horn with my butthole, teasing the tim as he explores the limits of my tightness.”
Kaili Joy Gray May 6, 201610:37 am

Hold on: unicorn horns are made of ivory? I did not know that.

Lyda Morehouse May 6, 201610:37 am

Lorp is getting his twink voter ass crammed and he’s says, “I can feel the democratic socialist vibrations filling my ass with warmth…”

tinlizzy May 6, 201610:37 am

YES!! We’ve been deprived of horn penetration with previous Tingle unicorn appearances!

Lyda Morehouse May 6, 201610:38 am

We have pumping horn action that is building towards orgasm now.

tinlizzy May 6, 201610:38 am

Lyda Morehouse May 6, 201610:38 am

Ha! I love that!

Lyda Morehouse May 6, 201610:39 am

Okay, so apparently Tingle couldn’t do only horn screwing so now they’re going for traditional “massive cock tickling the rim of my already reamed out backdoor.”

tinlizzy May 6, 201610:40 am

I appreciate well-rounding one’s screwing

Lyda Morehouse May 6, 201610:41 am

Okay and now things are getting surreal as Bernie starts to gallop… apparently with Lorp still down there getting rammed… in order to tell everyone still gathered at the rally that Bernie has a new running mate.

tinlizzy May 6, 201610:41 am

And I mean – this is your one time with Bernie Q. Unicorn, so cover all your bases

Lyda Morehouse May 6, 201610:41 am

The people cheer as the fucking couple speed by them.

Kaili Joy Gray May 6, 201610:41 am

I’m starting to find this plot twist not credible.

tinlizzy May 6, 201610:41 am

These bits of surrealism are some of my fav Tingle hallmarks really

tinlizzy May 6, 201610:42 am

Kaili – you weren’t here for the Gay Vampire Night Bus

Lyda Morehouse May 6, 201610:42 am

Okay, so apparently people are cheering them shouting Lorp’s name. Apparently this isn’t enough to get them off so Bernie pulls out and they are now mutually beating off as the crowd shouts their names.

Kaili Joy Gray May 6, 201610:43 am

Clearly I’ve been reading the wrong books my whole life.

Lyda Morehouse May 6, 201610:43 am

Okay then we get the money shot with his “cock twitches and then flings a series of hot, white ropes out across my chest and abs… raining down in a sticky, pearly torrent.”

Lyda Morehouse May 6, 201610:44 am

Can I please un-see that now?

tinlizzy May 6, 201610:44 am

This will all just be a dream in the end, won’t it. It’s all just too good to be true

Lyda Morehouse May 6, 201610:45 am

No, it’s not a dream, because now that everyone is satisfied (including the watching crowd, apparently) “our eyes lock and I give him a nod.. thankful for the incredible direction our lives have suddenly taken tonight.”

tinlizzy May 6, 201610:45 am

Well – if unicorn jizz can’t be sticky, pearly and torrenty, what does anything mean anymore.

Lyda Morehouse May 6, 201610:46 am

Bernie holds Lorp’s hand in his hoof and proclaims him vice-president… “he may not have the best political chops, but he’s the best lover I’ve ever hand… and I think he’s going to be the best lover for America.”

Lyda Morehouse May 6, 201610:46 am

I’m not sure what that means exactly for Lorp, but he’s smiling about it. And he’s ready to travel forward on this road with his, “handsome unicorn” by his side.

Lyda Morehouse May 6, 201610:46 am

The END.

Kaili Joy Gray May 6, 201610:46 am

Bernie/Lorp 2016. I’m sold.

Lyda Morehouse May 6, 201610:47 am

Oh, though I did miss Bipper’s joyful tears in the audience, so I guess the “roommate” is happy about this turn of events too.

Kaili Joy Gray May 6, 201610:47 am

Maybe he can be secretary of state?

tinlizzy May 6, 201610:47 am

aw – and they all lived happily ever after!

Lyda Morehouse May 6, 201610:48 am

Yes, they ride the political… cock?… into the sunset together, apparently.

Lyda Morehouse May 6, 201610:49 am

I think Tingle is a legit Bernie supporter. I mean the man loves his unicorns.

tinlizzy May 6, 201610:49 am

This Tingle installment was everything I could hope for, and more.

tinlizzy May 6, 201610:49 am

It does seem a real love song to Bernie

Lyda Morehouse May 6, 201610:50 am

Yes! There was horn sex! And hot democratic socialistic butt hole burns.

Kaili Joy Gray May 6, 201610:50 am

Definitely belongs in the anals of literary history.

Lyda Morehouse May 6, 201610:51 am

Ha! I see what you did. I’m surprised autocorrect didn’t change that for you. It kept wanting to make butt hole into buttonhole.

tinlizzy May 6, 201610:51 am

10/10 would Tingle again.

Kaili Joy Gray May 6, 201610:52 am

Two ivory unicorn horns up.

tinlizzy May 6, 201610:53 am

And on that sparkly note, we bid you all adieu until next time!

Filed Under: Critic Tagged With: Chuck Tingle, feel the bern

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