We’re back to bring you MORE Chuck Tingle today, with a selection that we’re been utterly remiss for not having liveblogged for the masses sooner: “Feeling the Bern in My Butt” by Chuck Tingle. Yesterday we liveblogged Tingle’s Hugo-award nominated “Space Raptor Butt Invasion.” So without further ado, join us as we feel the Bern, Chuck Tingle style!
Did you guys notice the little bird perched on the dude’s shoulder?
NO I DID NOT BECAUSE BESPECTACLED UNICORN
As is typical with Tingle, we get a bit of set-up. This time the opener is, “Politics have always been something I avoided, mostly because every time I try to get involved I just end up getting too pissed off to continue.”
Very populist of him
Turns out our hero gets not only angry with the opposition, but also with his own colleagues.
Our hero figures this is a thing these days, this disenchantment and adds, “To be a front-runner in this race, the one thing you need to be is an outsider.” GETTING DEEP ALREADY.
wait – what does he do? What do his colleagues have do to with this??
So, he’s watching TV in his small, two-bedroom apartment on a Saturday afternoon. He’s pooped out from being a hard-working American.
I meant political colleagues.
Our hero muses that “The minimum wage her is so low that even an office as nice as mine I can barely afford to keep a roof over my head.”
He sees an ad for “Bernie Sambers.”
I see what he did there.
This is getting SO. HOT. already.
Oh and our hero’s roommate is named “Bipper” who is not at all impressed with Mr. Sambers.
And we find out our hero is named… “Lorp.” (Someone help me is this some inside joke?)
At any rate, Bipper talks Lorp into going downtown to the Sambers rally.
Now see yesterday’s names – Lance and Pike were way more hot, not gonna lie
Lorp and Bipper: The Odd Couple?
“The second that we enter the arena downtown I can tell that this isn’t your typical political gathering. Every sign that I see has a message that resonates deeply within me, deeper than any candidate has ever been able to reach.”
HA! Okay, it gets so much better. “While most politicians craft messages that tug at my heartstrings, these seem to go even farther. He’s tugging at my butt.”
I can not even make up stuff that golden, folks.
The roommate is all, “Are you feeling the burn? Are you feeling the burn in your butthole?”
wow that was fast!
“The message of progress and social reform is causing a pleasant tingle to slowly form around the rim of my anus.” I think Bernie should legit use this as a slogan!
Wait, is Chris Matthews telling this story?
So now Sambers is coming to the stage… “he’s old and slightly hunched with a bald spot on the top of his head, yet there is something strange alluring about this man’s physical presence that I can’t quite put my fingers on.”
And, this causes Larp to ask his friend Bipper if Bernie is human. (Okay, I would expect this if they were watching Cruz, but WTF.)
But apparently Larp asks because “there’s something strange about him, something magical.” (So not the itchy human suit, I guess.)
We get a bit of “he’s a hell of a speaker” so good that the animals start to gather. Not jut the bird, but “ever woodland creature imaginable.” Deer, rabbits, foxes… even a brown bear.
So this is turning into a Disney movie now.
wait for real – animals gathering like snow white??
Bernie as Disney princess was all over Tumblr, so yes? Okay, so we find out that this rousing speech isn’t all there is to a Sambers rally, Bernie is “a man of the people” and he’s going to be handing out “fresh backed cookies” in the lobby. (I think “backed” is a typo, but one can’t be sure with Tingle.)
Our hero goes up to Bernie to tell him how awesome he is and “Bernie cracks a playful diml as he locks eyes with me, and immediately I can sense a strong tingling in my butthole, a powerful sizzling sensation that courses through my loins like an electric current.”
A man of the people, but also the animals. Even bears.
Oh! WHOA. When Larp takes Bernie’s hand he gets another shocker. He realizes what he’s “holding is actually a large hoof.”
Bernie decides our hero is useful to the cause and has invited him to “stick around after all this is finished.”
So our hero waits in the arena, eats his chocolate chip cookie and relaxes, until he hears a voice telling him he’s “…exactly the kind of voter we’re looking for…”
erotica with fresh baked (backed!) choc chip cookies – I’m kind of digging it
Bernie has now placed a hand on Lorp’s knee. “Strangely, I don’t have even the slightest desire to pull away.”
wait so Bernie has hands again?
I guess? Also, apparently Bernie’s big come on is that he sees Lorp as a potential running mate.
so hot right now
When our hero says he’s not qualified, Bernie says, “You’re more than qualified.. those eyes, that muscular chest…” Oh, but first he needs to “vet” him.
Vet. I see what he did there. I think.
So… now we have Bernie’s hand in our hero’s crotch and he “immediately grips me with a firm handful of balls and shaft through the fabric.” And then we get this “sexy” line again, “Would you like me to vet you?”
Oh yes moans our hero. But once again the hands aren’t exactly human… and he asks Bernie, “Is there something you’re hiding?”
Not gonna lie that hearing Bernie’s voice in my head for this dialogue is…troubling to my soul
Our hero goes on to ask, “I mean you’re a perfect candidate, you never flip-flop, you never mess up, it’s like you’re made of magic.” To which Bernie replies, “I AM MADE OF MAGIC. I’M A UNICORN.” (all-caps mine.)
PONY Q. UNICORN!
“Bernie is a unicorn; a glorious, muscular, white-haired unicorn and he’s sexy as fuck.”
I want this on a bummer sticker. Stat.
Our hero is aroused by Unicorn!Bernie and pulls him close for a deep kiss on the mouth.
And of course starts drifting south ASAP.
His hands “eventually grab ahold of Bernie’s rock hard unicorn cock.”
Lorp drops to his knees and has “his massive political cock jutting out towards my face like a flagpole on the Fourth of July.”
So now it’s patriotic erotica too!
Oh, and guess what? Bernie’s cock tastes great! “I’m greeted by a sensual explosion of taste that shifts between cotton candy, bubblegum, and cherry. This man can do no wrong.”
And, as usual Tingle’s hero goes for the deep throating “until finally stopping when I reach the hilt. I find my face pushed up against Bernie’s magical, sparkling abs.”
Oh, and we get a little dropped in note that Lorp is really pleased to be doing Bernie so good, “because this is the first gay experience of my life.”
Tingle really does the Lord’s work on turning no-homos to totally-homos
Go big gay unicorn or go home.
He’s super excited “I suddenly realize that my butthole is tingling once more, not just the soft, sizzling surges, but a full-on rattle that courses though my body and causes me to tremble wildly.”
Lorp say, “I feel the burn in my butthole.” And of course Bernie!Unicorn says “You ain’t felt nothing yet!”
There it is.
They get into position and our hero gives Bernie a little butt wiggle and begs him to “ram me up the ass like the filthy little voter twink that I am.”
(I’m totally a voter twink myself, just FYI).
So he’s getting schlonged by Bernie Unicorn?
But are you a FILTHY voter twink?
OMG he’s going for it with the horn!
Hold on: unicorn horns are made of ivory? I did not know that.
Lorp is getting his twink voter ass crammed and he’s says, “I can feel the democratic socialist vibrations filling my ass with warmth…”
YES!! We’ve been deprived of horn penetration with previous Tingle unicorn appearances!
We have pumping horn action that is building towards orgasm now.
Ha! I love that!
Okay, so apparently Tingle couldn’t do only horn screwing so now they’re going for traditional “massive cock tickling the rim of my already reamed out backdoor.”
I appreciate well-rounding one’s screwing
Okay and now things are getting surreal as Bernie starts to gallop… apparently with Lorp still down there getting rammed… in order to tell everyone still gathered at the rally that Bernie has a new running mate.
And I mean – this is your one time with Bernie Q. Unicorn, so cover all your bases
The people cheer as the fucking couple speed by them.
I’m starting to find this plot twist not credible.
These bits of surrealism are some of my fav Tingle hallmarks really
Kaili – you weren’t here for the Gay Vampire Night Bus
Okay, so apparently people are cheering them shouting Lorp’s name. Apparently this isn’t enough to get them off so Bernie pulls out and they are now mutually beating off as the crowd shouts their names.
Clearly I’ve been reading the wrong books my whole life.
Okay then we get the money shot with his “cock twitches and then flings a series of hot, white ropes out across my chest and abs… raining down in a sticky, pearly torrent.”
Can I please un-see that now?
This will all just be a dream in the end, won’t it. It’s all just too good to be true
No, it’s not a dream, because now that everyone is satisfied (including the watching crowd, apparently) “our eyes lock and I give him a nod.. thankful for the incredible direction our lives have suddenly taken tonight.”
Well – if unicorn jizz can’t be sticky, pearly and torrenty, what does anything mean anymore.
Bernie holds Lorp’s hand in his hoof and proclaims him vice-president… “he may not have the best political chops, but he’s the best lover I’ve ever hand… and I think he’s going to be the best lover for America.”
I’m not sure what that means exactly for Lorp, but he’s smiling about it. And he’s ready to travel forward on this road with his, “handsome unicorn” by his side.
Bernie/Lorp 2016. I’m sold.
Oh, though I did miss Bipper’s joyful tears in the audience, so I guess the “roommate” is happy about this turn of events too.
Maybe he can be secretary of state?
aw – and they all lived happily ever after!
Yes, they ride the political… cock?… into the sunset together, apparently.
I think Tingle is a legit Bernie supporter. I mean the man loves his unicorns.
This Tingle installment was everything I could hope for, and more.
It does seem a real love song to Bernie
Yes! There was horn sex! And hot democratic socialistic butt hole burns.
Definitely belongs in the anals of literary history.
Ha! I see what you did. I’m surprised autocorrect didn’t change that for you. It kept wanting to make butt hole into buttonhole.
10/10 would Tingle again.
Two ivory unicorn horns up.
And on that sparkly note, we bid you all adieu until next time!