The Travesty of the National Dog Show: A Critical Analysis

The National Dog Show is a seething hot bed of scandal and intrigue.

Let us begin with the nepotism. It’s not only rampant, it’s blatant. John O’Hurley broke the story that Bogey the Samoyed was not only appointed ruler of all the Working Group dogs, so were at least three of his relatives. Enough with the legacy winners. It’s time to level the playing field, AKC.

And, while we’re mindful of the institutional issues at play, the competitors also deserve sharp scrutiny for their diva attitudes. What kind of example are they setting? Trader just up and started scratching in the middle of the competition. Such disrespect for the institution.

Not to mention the Min Pin who made a break for it in the middle of the judging, upstaging the Cavalier King Charles Spaniel. Sabotage! Treachery is a afoot.

And speaking of feet – who let the tiny dogs with cartoon feet into this competition. How can you compete with tiny, speeding cartoon feet? It’s like competing against the Road Runner, but way more adorable. How can judges be objective when they are exploding with cuteness?

It’s clear that the entire Toy Group is a conspiracy. And the Toys aren’t the only ones in on that conspiracy. Zack is apparently a Bearded Collie. But we’re pretty sure he’s actually a muppet. Look at him! How could he possibly be real? Someone from the Jim Henson Studio is pulling a fast one on you National Dog Show.

Finally, we come to Nathan, Best in Show. How is your face so ginormous? Why are you so floppy?

But these aren’t the only questions raised about Nathan’s big win. There are darker questions lurking. Because Nathan is a bloodhound. Part of the Hound group. Jewel, last year’s big winner….an American Foxhound. Gasp. Shock. A new dynasty is born. We thought we’d escaped. Last year the KCP ended the reign of terror of the Wire Fox Terriers. These dogs look like furry vacuum cleaners and I’m sure that during their tenure as the rulers of the dog world they terrified many small children.

When Eira won in 2011, I accepted that there is no accounting for taste and that occasionally, a furry vacuum cleaner would, in fact, win the National Dog Show, but in 2012, with Sky’s win, I was concerned that the judges were in collusion and that little thought had been given to the implications of the developing Wire Fox Terrier hegemony. While the threat of Wire Fox Terriers has passed, I stand by my recommendation that the National Dog Show consider banning all dogs that look like furry vacuum cleaners from future events. I would also reconsider Bedlington terriers — unfortunately, having a two-dimensional face is weird.

Some might ask why am I not also calling for the removal of Poodles with their insane hair-cuts? Well, here’s the thing — go big or go home. The Poodle cuts are so crazy that they bring much needed levity to these serious proceedings.

And, so while we all breathe a sigh of relief at the unseating of the Wire Fox Terriers and give thanks for the end of the reign of terror that they have unleashed upon our unsuspecting nation, this new threat illustrates that we must all remain vigilant.

To prevent your imminent subjugation at the hands of the Hound group, and because dogs are awesome, please consider donating to the ASPCA.

[NBC]