Some call him the worst director in the world. I prefer to call him the wurst director in the world (sorry). Uwe Boll, auteur of such classics as Alone in the Dark and the Bloodrayne series, has taken his golf balls and gone home. In two hilarious YouTube rants, the director castigates you focking eejots who don’t appreciate the genius behind Rampage and Blubberella – apparently not enough people donated the money to get Rampage 3 made, and now we all must suffer.
In the charmingly titled “fuck you all” video, Boll takes it to the “retarded amateur idiots” running Kickstarter (or funded by Kickstarter, it’s not clear). He blasts them for not backing his “important” film, Rampage 3: No Mercy. Instead the powers that be prefer to make “Marvel Avengers bullshirt dirt.” Ze fools vill soon pay!
But “fuck you all” is just the appetizer, the amuse bouche, if you will, to the far superior “june kickstarter.” Boll doesn’t hold back in this one, eviscerating everyone in the Hollywood Reporter, from Steve Beckham (?) to George Clooney, who are all loffing about you. Yes, ze big stars are all loffing about taking zis box office money for ze next brainwashing boolshit. And Clooney and Brad Pitt and Matt Damon completely ignored his movie Attack in Darfur! Those fockers!
If you haven’t seen it, Attack in Darfur is some execrable white-saviors-in-Africa crap. Supposedly made to expose the horrors perpetrated by the Janjaweed militia, the movie is really a crass attempt to cash in on current events. Boll is so completely un-self aware that he doesn’t seem to understand why applying B-movie tropes to an ongoing atrocity is offensive. Showing children torn from their mother’s arms, having a character say “I’m here to make a DIFFERENCE” – this stuff only works after enough time has passed. For real-time events, anything other than a documentary is just going to look like cheap exploitation. Except for Boll, who insists his movie is “ten times better” than Clooney’s documentary.
Which brings us back to “june kickstarter.” After a wild homophobic diatribe, Boll reminds his audience to “wake the fuck up: Iron Man is not existing! Ze Avengers are not existing!” Possibly a good indie director could make this rant sound plausible, but it’s a bit rich coming from the director of Bloodrayne: The Third Reich, in which a bosomy goth vampiress takes on the Nazi war machine with a sword. Finally, Boll closes with a call that “we” have to “focking kill the rich.” It seems like a nice demented note to go out on, but it’s one of those things that just doesn’t sound that funny with a German accent.
To save time, here’s a handy guide to the boolshit Hollywood people Boll insults in the video:
- Steve Beckham (?) – loffing about you
- George Clooney – loffing about you, weak documentary, focking piece of shit
- Brad Pitt – focker, focking piece of shit
- Matt Damon – focker
- Angelina Jolie – focking piece of shit
- Ben Kingsley – focking pussy
- Robert Downey Jr. – idiot
- Jennifer Lopez – like a focking demanding Mexican bitch
Yikes. Don’t get him started on the nameless agents and managers who are all in each others’ assholes, or something. And zey are all loffing their asses off! With a rant like this, Boll is either finished with his filmmaking career, or he’s positioned himself nicely for a talk radio gig and a weekly column at Breitbart.com. Either way, innocent movie lovers will at least be spared Bloodrayne 4 and Rampage 3 and Attack on Darfur: Electric Boogaloo.